Grumpy old man.
"Get off my lawn!"
Ok, I’m 1 month past my 60th birthday and I have to say…I aint digging it!
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy life, I love my wife and family and friends and I have a job I like. Life on Smars is all good! It’s just that pesky number of my last birthday that’s bumming me out a little. It just sounds like a LOT!
On top of that I have this fear that I may be turning into a curmudgeon. Why? Well, just the fact that I know the word “curmudgeon” shows that I’ve been around a while. You don’t hear too many Gen Z’ers or Millennials using the word “curmudgeon” in their cool, hep talk. Even when I try to sound cool, I fail miserably by using words and phrases like “digging it” or “hep”. I mean, really! I honestly feel sometimes that I’m about this close to running out and yelling at the neighborhood kids to “get the hell off my lawn!”. And I live in an apartment!
It doesn’t help matters that every new year’s eve occurs about 3 weeks after my birthday. I could possibly try to downplay my birthday each year but, if I succeed in doing so, 3 weeks later I get a harsh reminder that another year has passed and we’re bringin’ in a new one! So maybe it’s the whole New Year’s Eve celebration that has me feeling old. I think it’s not even that, I think it’s the Ghost of New Year’s Eve Past that has me feeling my age. Step with me into the Way Back Machine as we move to New Year’s Eve, circa 1981…
December 31, 1981. I had turned 18 25 days before this night, making me legally old enough to drink. Yes, back in the Stone Age young adults were allowed to drink legally upon their 18th birthday, and not just beer. We’re talking the hard stuff, too! We could buy all the Boone’s Farm wine, Mickey’s Big Mouth malt liquor and Mad Dog 20/20 we could afford!
Now, just because I was 18 and most of my friends were a year younger than me does NOT mean that I shared any of my alcoholic purchases with my underage buddies. No, siree! I never did! I never shared with them. Did they make donations to the purchase price? Well…
“Mr. Smars,” thunders the judge (aka Mom or Dad or “gulp”, both ). “You are accused of perjury. The court finds you guilty!”
“But, y’Honor,” whines the Defense Attorney (aka, the mumbling, stumbling, bumbling drunk 18-year old version of me). “You asked me if I shared it with them. You never asked me if they gave me money for it!”
Fast forward about 10 years. One of the many forgettable bands I was in on my way to rock stardom was playing a local dive bar on New Year’s Eve. Bad lighting, bad sound system, very cheap beer and cigarette smoke (well, mostly cigarettes…) filling up the loud, crazy room. During an especially long guitar solo on 1 of the obscure cover songs we did, I decided to walk around the room. I sauntered (some say “stumbled”, I say “sauntered”) over to the cigarette machine against the wall to the side of the stage area. For some reason I decided that I needed to stand on top of the cigarette machine when it came time for me to resume singing. I handed my beer and microphone to someone to hold while I clambered up on top of the machine. My beer and microphone were handed back to me and I was ready to rock! Just in time, too. The solo was over and I began to sing. Then somehow my weight must have shifted or something and the cigarette machine I was standing on top of began falling forward. The machine crashed face down to the floor, I crashed ass first on the back of the machine and never spilled a drop of beer or missed a word as I continued to sing.
The song ended shortly after that and as I made my way back to the bar I was thumped on the back and given many thanks. Apparently when the cigarette machine crashed forward it spewed a bunch of coins thus allowing several destitute but thirsty rock fans an additional beer or two.
As I entered my 30’s and 40’s the New Years Eve celebrations became a little milder and slower, as did I. By the time I met my wife Michelle New Year’s Eve was usually just a house party with a few friends. The first New Year’s Eve she and I shared was December 31, 2013. This party consisted of me, her and a buddy of mine having some beers at my apartment and listening to music. The wildest thing that happened that night was me, after a few too many beers, making snow angels outside my patio door in nothing but a pair of shorts, my buddy Dan throwing snap firecrackers as I made my snow angel and Michelle laughing hysterically at us.
New Year’s Eve, December 31, 2023. As I stated before, it’s about 3 weeks past my 60th birthday. Our plans for the big night consist of going over to 1 of our married couple friends house for drinks, dinner and possibly staying up till midnight. Then we received an invitation from another couple to go to their house for the same type of evening. A third couple invited us over to their house for the same. By noon on December 31 our first married couple texted us to let us know they weren’t feeling up to a party and were just going to have dinner and go to bed early. Within the next few hours the other 2 couples called to say the same thing. The amazing thing is that we were both kind of relieved. Neither 1 of us was disappointed by the idea of just staying home, having a nice dinner, a few drinks, watching the festivities on tv and try to stay awake to ring in the new year. The clock struck midnight, we kissed and said “happy new year” and went to bed.
This is when I started worrying that I may be labelled a “curmudgeon”. I didn’t think I was a curmudgeon. I certainly didn’t feel curmudgety(if that is even a word). I guess I just assumed that once a person reaches a certain age the word “curmudgeon” just gets thrown around when others describe people in my age group.
So, being the geek that I am, I had to get the actual definition of the word “curmudgeon” to assure myself that it is different from my pre-conceived notion of what a “curmudgeon” is. So, here is what I found:
The meaning of CURMUDGEON is a crusty, ill-tempered, and usually old man.
a bad-tempered, difficult, cantankerous person.
Old, cranky, and more than a little stubborn, a curmudgeon is the gruff, grey-haired neighbor who refuses to hand out candy at Halloween and shoos away holiday ...
CURMUDGEON meaning: 1. an old person who is often in a bad mood 2. an old person who is often in a bad mood. Learn more.
CURMUDGEON definition in American English
https://www.collinsdictionary.com › dictionary › curm...
A surly or miserly person.... Click for pronunciations, examples sentences, video.
curmudgeon - Wiktionary, the free dictionary
https://en.wikipedia.org › wiki › Wiktionary:curmudg...
Noun edit · An ill-tempered person full of stubborn ideas or opinions. synonym △quotations ▽. Synonym: crank. There's a cranky curmudgeon working at the ...
Oh, my God! It’s like they know me! I don’t feel so good, I’m a little tired. I need a hug. And you damn kids get off my lawn!